They should just rename Cache "The Cougar Den"

So the other night when I was off buying tea at teavana (I know, I'm addicted) I made the mistake of wandering into Cache, where (1) they don't carry my size because suddenly a 14 is no longer acceptable (I remember back when a 16 was a normal size, don't know about you) (that was 3 in a row - I'd earlier stopped in a couture store where I wasn't shocked but Express??? Express has stopped selling size 14 pants except online? I'm getting paranoid that suddenly every store is going to stop selling my size, which I have been consistently since I was 12 years old - early bloomer, what can I say)

but worse than that

(2) THEY CARRY NOTHING BUT COUGAR CLOTHES.

Don't know what the hell I'm talking about?

For your reference:

Urbandictionary.com



The oh so grammatically correct College Affair Magazine (that's embarassing)

Lipstick Jungle


Yeah. It's like that.

I mean, everything was nicely made and flattering, and I have to hand it to them that everything was vibrant and colorful....but it was a lot like the high end version of a Wet Seal, Forever 21 or Charlotte Russe - plus grandma's vintage outdoor-indoor palm frond chaise pillows from her Florida home in the 1960's. And just like grandma's outdated Florida pillows, these clothes go perfectly with a third Cosmopolitan.

So without a do, I give you this season's tropically/jungle print inspired cougar clothes from Cache:

GAP gab

So...I'm a little bit convinced that the GAP may be evil.

You ever notice how you go in there and try on some basic slacks, and you look in their magical mirror under their magical lighting and the pants look absolutely fabulous, and then you get home and look at them in your mirror like...a month later when you finally go to wear them and they don't look nearly as good as you remember?


How do they do that?


That said, I'll only wear GAP jeans. Not because I'm one of those fanatical GAP shoppers who will wear nothing else except slum it at Old Navy or spruce it up at Banana...or dare I say...get super duper adventerous and wander into a.... J. CREW!

No, no, no, no, no. My wardrobe is half Urban Outfitters, half American Apparel, and aaaaaaall of it chosen specifically to spite my mother. But GAP jeans fit me, they typically hold up for a long time, and they seem to be able to cope with my Kim Kardashian butt by doing something other than slumping and forming a coin slot in which to collect .25 cent donations towards purchasing some filler denim.

I do not believe in the "premium denim" mumbo jumbo. Frankly, with the exception of other purchasers of and believers in premium denim, is anybody going to notice what jeans you're wearing? I mean, I should only be so flattered that someone has taken that much interest in my ass but really...or should I say butt really?

I frankly just don't get the premium denim thing...except for an extra $150, how exactly is one pair more evening appropriate than the other? Is the denim woven more tightly? Are the pockets that much flatter? Slight variations in shade? Patent rights to International Klein Blue? No, no, no, no, no. I bang the hell out of my jeans. I'm not about to waste $200 a pop. $200 is better spent on art, wine, silver, or things that are illegal.

So for this purpose, and this purpose alone, I am a GAP shopper. Aside from that, I find the GAP mildly disturbing. Because evil really only disturbs me mildly. Allow me to explain.

a) their children's clothing is frequently more sophisticated than their adult clothing.
b) they manage to have about 27 MILLION different items of clothing and yet....EVERY SINGLE ONE IS IDENTICAL. It's like an experiment in conformity.
c) pricing? Everything in that store is priced to go on sale.
d) Because I have an unhealthy paranoia of WASPy soccer moms invading like zombies. Not that I have anything against WASPy soccer moms - some of my favorite people, truth be told are WASPy soccer moms. But ZOMBIE WASPy soccer moms? I WILL CUT YOU.

Let's analyze.



Oh, wait, what's that you say? STRIPES?! How incredibly innovative! And ... what's that it's paired up with? A...a....a STARK WHITE PEASANT TOP?!?! I ... am ... f-ing ... amazed.


Actually....


That outfit is pretty cute.


SEE?!?! That's what I'm talking about when I say evil. Why do I find this outfit cute? I don't know. Because it's the GAP and the GAP is made of magic. Or maybe it's the advertising methods:

"Our summer favorite: Lightweight denim plus chic stripes equals your new wardrobe staple. Get it now."

Maybe it's the fact that it's worded like a command, not a suggestion. Or maybe it's their incredibly effective use of a word that looks like it should be two words even though that is the correct grammatical useage (I checked). Or maybe there's something hypnotic about the color scheme.


Let's try another.




Blue and white. Why we love it. Blah di blah di blah....but they're so right it kills me. It makes me feel like sipping on a mimosa while lounging with Muffy and Billy out on the terrace lounge at their vacation home on the cape, enjoying the shade of my wide-brimmed straw hat and dangling my toes into the cool water of their luxury lap pool because I'm wearing clammdiggers.

Except I don't hang on the cape. I don't know people named Muffy and Billy. I live in Boston. I wear black and gray and occasionally horrible indie colors like mustard and chartreuse.

Why does the GAP love blue and white? "it's a classic color combo that always feels fresh" <-- said in snotty voice. Why do I love it? God only knows. But I want it.

Touche, GAP marketing team, touche.

Adventures in High End Shopping

This post is prompted by a recent stop into Barney's New York at Copley Place.

I walked in and there was literally one other person in the store. Walked around, browsed, called my parents on my cell, took my time...and there were two other groups of people who came in the entire time I was there, both groups of teenagers who were probably just coming in to look. It was sad.

But what really got me was that, in this economy when all the papers are reporting about how it's the super high end brands who are getting hit (NYTimes had a long magazine piece recently about the economic situation for the uber-wealthy Palm Beach, where Madoff had a home), there was nothing on sale, and the sales associates didn't acknowledge me. I had come from work so I was dressed like an adult and wearing my expensive wool button down coat - Jones New York, so not Armani or anything, but not exactly derelicte either. I looked like a viable customer. After being in the store for a good 20 minutes one person gave me a brief "hello" and nod as she walked by me. That was it. Later I was looking at The highly overpriced (even for diamonds) Zoe Eternity Band in a glass case about two feet from the jewelry sales associates and they did nothing. I would've tried it on, though it never occurred to me it was over $3000 (Barney's or not; think of the economy.) The band is super cute and original because it's so damn tiny - super duper thin but with diamonds all the way around. I look at women with big engagement rings on their fingers and think to myself "I hope mine just donates the money instead - these giant ices are so garish and such a waste of money" - so this piece intrigued me. If it had been around $800, which is what I expected given how little precious materials actually have to go into a ring this thin and tiny, I might have considered saving up for it over the summer.

But anyway, these ladies don't know what I can and cannot afford. If I had walked in head to toe covered in Hermes and Armani, or on the arm of some pimp-like guy in Armani with a slicked back pony tail and a name like "Jorg" - would they have helped me then? You should really never have to ask.

Or maybe it's been so long since they had a sale that they just assumed there would be no purchasers today.

Anyway, I'm being a little cruel to Barney's. They still have some of the nicest pieces around town and a selection that is almost worth paying the money for...almost.

I did have a fine time trying on the Jennifer Oulette hair pieces at $65 and up a pop. These two sparked my interest in particular:

1

2

(sorry folks, no pics as Barneys.com won't allow me to grab a capture)

and they ARE very well made. That's the thing about items like cosmetics, hair accessories, gloves, earmuffs...even the most expensive splurge in the category is still relatively affordable...long as it isn't diamond encrusted.

Even so...I'm not spending $135 on a hairband. Screw you. I'd rather take myself out to dinner. 5 times. Or buy expensive yarn o_O (a yarn post is on its way, believe you me.)


Still, Barney's is infinitely better than Saks. I don't know what happened to Saks. I remember going there with my mother as a little girl and it actually makes me kind of nostalgic. I remember getting a $150 gift certificate there and being able to actually find things to buy with it - hair pieces, mainly.

So I obtained a $500 gift certificate to Saks Fifth Avenue last year. Not going to say where it came from as I am paranoid that I may have broken the terms of a credit card contract somewhere. Those things are impossible to read and I'm in friggin law school. Did a research project on the disclosure laws regarding credit card contracts, in fact, and apparently they're written at the "college graduate plus 8 years" literacy level. I'm currently at college grad plus 2.

No wonder the entire economy tanked.

Anyway, I had this $500 gift certificate and went to Saks. It was just before Christmas, and all through the store, Emily scampered and made out like a whore. They had a big 60% off the mark down price of rack in the women's - none of it especially couture, but I did get a gorgeous Eileen Fisher duster that was originally $400, a no-name skirt that was originally $350, and a fabulous new no-name cocktail dress that was originally $600 all together for approx. $350. That was a good buy.

I now realize after a walk through Barney's that on the high end scale, Saks is like a T.J. Maxx.

Except that I came back with $150 left on my gift card and had a hard time figuring out how to spend it. I distinctly remember being able to find $40 and $50 items when I was a teenager with that first gift card. Dinky little hair things that I never got much use out of, but something.

It's like Saks has eliminated all those even-the-biggest-splurge-is-affordable items I was just talking about. If I had denied myself the Eileen Fisher sweater I could have gotten a tiny Louis Vuitton change purse or something at the Louis counter.

But no wonder Saks is in trouble. They stopped providing any alternatives to spending a ton of money, and yet there's nothing all that special about any of what they carry. I took a look at some of their costume jewelry and they should be ashamed for charging what they're charging. I'm not opposed to paying big money for something fabulous, but why would I spend $350 on a basic, thin, sterling silver bangle I could get for less than $100, possibly even less than $50, anywhere else. Handmade, even, on Etsy.com. And at $350 it's not even enough of a splurge to be ridiculous. If you're going to do that you may as well charge $1200 for the sterling silver bangle so that those cocky assholes who don't know what to do with all their money can say they have a $1200 sterling silver bangle. I just don't get it.

Barney's I think is going to stick around, if for no reason other than that every element of their selection is pristine. I saw brands and items in their cosmetics section that I had never seen before, not even at my beloved and earlier mentioned C.O. Bigelow. But Saks is going down the crapper. The clincher was that I make jewelry and have been to an occasional hotel ballroom bead show, and at Saks necklaces made entirely of stones and beads that I could buy in bulk for less than $100 total were being sold (well, I guess I should say displayed in hopes of a sale) for over $1000. It's ridiculous.

Ended up spending that last $150 on a chartreuse Fox fur collar that doubles as a ridiculous U.S.S.R.-esque head band and that I feel so guilty about I won't wear it.

C.O. Bigelow, land of wonders

So this past weekend I went to C.O. Bigelow for the first time ever. It's located in the Copley Place mall, which is convenient to the Copley T Stop and attached to the Prudential Center mall by skywalk. Which feels so incredibly sciency every time I go through it.

Apparently this is also the location of recent nefarious events. Boston Luxury Hotel...they mean the Westin Copley, right?

Oy, anyway, C.O. Bigelow is a lovely apothecary themed chain owned by Limited Brands, and according to its Wikipedia Page it currently has 10 locations open, plus products in numerous nation wide chain stores.

Now, I had encountered products by this brand before at places like Bath and Body Works. The item that immediately comes to mind is the mint rose lip balm which comes in an old school tin and immediately stands out as having the wholesome, traditional, holistic appeal of a 19th century secret apothecary formula. And apparently Bigelow is the oldest apothecary in America still running, so it very well may be.

Anyway, the Boston store is magnificent, not to mention huge. Rooms and rooms of goodies stacked on shelves from floor to ceiling. Fragrances popping out from every which way - the body lotions, the salt scrubs, actual perfumes, reed diffusers, and a host of products you wouldn't immediately think to look for. I walked in to a store relatively devoid of other shoppers, which gave me the two highly knowledgeable sales associates all to myself. I took advantage, demanding that they show me the items they feel are most unique to their store. Something I wouldn't be able to get anywhere else.

The results of my demands were given: a sake bubble bath made of 50% real sake packaged in an authentic sake bottle - at a whopping $80, and Lippman brand nail polish that just won't chip, with music inspired names like "Dark Side of the Moon." I was offended that nothing had been named "Space Oddity."

C.O. Bigelow carries both its store brand, which tends to fall in the higher end of the affordable category. The rest of the brands fell more into splurge territory. But let me tell you - the store brand products are more than luxurious enough to satisfy good ol' Emily, and that's saying something.

The following are two products I have since tried and highly recommend:

Kose - Seikisho Exfoliating Massage Gel


I asked the sales lady for something that would suck the gunk out of my pores like a vacuum. She threw a sample of this stuff in my bag. Holy crap. Kose boasts that its product is filled with Japanese and Chinese herbal extracts and let me tell you, I have become a believer. This stuff is pretty gross when you get it out of the tube - it's like a sticky black tar that you have to rub onto your face - kind of like the squid ink that comes on risotto or pasta. It feels like you're getting a spa treatment just by nature of how freakin' weird this crap feels. This is not your typical face cream.

But it smells pretty nice. And when you get it on and start to rub it in, it heats itself up and gets smoother and smoother. When it turns gray you're done. Rinse.

This stuff made my pores half the size. I highly recommend it. You won't find anything else like it.


Bigelow Chapped Hands Remedy
The reason I went into C.O. Bigelow in the first place, this came highly recommended by a friend. Being a current Boston resident, winter had made my hands dry, cracked, chapped, itchy, red, and ouchied. My friend said I had to get this stuff - 40% glycerin. I did. And boy was she right. A little expensive for hand lotion, but you only need a tiny little squeeze once a day.

My hands went from cracked, chapped and friggin' awful to silky smooth in ONE DAY. They're softer than my face now which is actually kind of disconcerting. But while I had been slathering on giant dollop after giant dollop of regular hand lotion just the tiniest little smidgen of this stuff has operated like a magic potion. In the long run it will probably cut my lotion budget significantly. I have moved on to include it in my regimen for elbows and feet as well.



I also picked up some of the C.O. Bigelow brand shaving cream, which comes in an over sized green toothpaste tube in the men's shaving section. I like it well enough, and it's certainly fun because it's so old school, but I'm not as impressed with it as I am with the other products - though it's certainly not bad. But the two above products have absolutely blown me away whereas this one has just left me satisfied. Bigelow also sells those old school shaving lather brushy doodads, the ones made with real rabbit or badger fur, and this cream is sold more with a good, traditional facial shave in mind. I did not pick up such a brush - they're not cheap - though I was tempted, and have been using my hands to lather my legs in the shower. The stuff is extraordinarily light and airy for a shave gel - not in the way that a moussey gel is light and airy because it isn't aerated like the other stuff. Literally just a cream being squeezed out of a tube - and yet it is strangely reminiscent of marshmallow fluff (DO NOT EAT). A good gift for Dad, I think IF you pick up the brush to go with it.