Laying Down the Law

I am a law student. This title is a pun...except not really, because, though this is a shopping blog and not a fashion blog, effective shopping and an understanding of basic principles of fashion are inexorably intertwined, and the situation in Boston's fashion/shopping nexus has become so dire it cannot go ignored.

I am sick and tired of seeing college aged girls walking down the street in outfits that make me want to scream, "Did you check your ass in the mirror before you went out in that?!?!?!" It's not even a question of style sense anymore, because that can be subjective (I guess)...but why do girls leave the house walking around in things that don't look good on them? I watch them being completely oblivious to the fact that their ass cellulite, completely defined through the flimsy fabric of whatever godforsaken goucho pantaloon gym bunny slut whore thong thing they strapped on this morning, looks like an f-ing treasure map. But even worse is the girls who KNOW they're wearing something they shouldn't be wearing and being completely self-conscious about it - you see the subtle smoothing of the hems, the adjustment of the cups, the strange slanted frown across the face. If you're not comfortable in it - WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING IT?

Good...God.

Therefore, I am laying down the following rules of the road:

Miniskirts...look good on NO ONE.
Mustard Yellow...looks good on NO ONE.
Leggings without a skirt or something over them....look good on NO ONE.
Printy fabrics featuring a combination of more than one of the colors in what I refer to as the "vomit trifecta" (lemon yellow, coral, chartreuse)...look good on NO ONE.
Terrycloth butt shorts...look good on NO ONE.
Letters printed on your ass...look good on NO ONE.
Not being able to walk in your own stiletto heels...looks good on NO ONE.

And for Christ's sake, if anyone can see your ass cheeks moving up and down independently of one another under your skirt DON'T WEAR IT.

I mean honestly, your University of Massachusetts shorts look like they say "Um, ass"... ON YOUR ASS.

And you wore these in PUBLIC? I don't CARE if you just came from the gym - put on some damn jeans.


And then there's this....That's right. They're bringing back the jumpsuit.




Oh heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell noooooo. No. I refuse.

And in DENIM of all things? Who looks good in these exactly? You'd better not let yourself be caught wearing these in public unless you were actually at the original Studio 54 and are now so made of plastic that you're body is still more fabulous than that of any McDonalds fed 20-something of my generation enabling you to pull this off without anybody pointing and laughing after half a block.

Honestly, I would have considered this look before it came "into style" ("into style" used here used more in the it's an economic crisis and the fashion industry is scraping the barrel and this will be gone in less than year sense - please don't mistake this for any indication that this look could ever actually be stylish post 1977). I saw a bright purple 70's jumpsuit at The Garment District's vintage section once and would have bought it if it were a size larger. Because then it would have said something, something akin to words like "unique" "quirky" "old school" "playful" "edgy" "discoglam." But now that it's an actual fad? That just takes the fun right out of it. And now such a getup only says "Hey, I'm wearing this only because the new ad campaign at Express told me to and I'm so brainwashed and conformist and incapable of developing a style of my own that it's fairly easy for the ponytailed little gnomes that run the fashion industry to convince me I ought to be wearing something this ridiculous."

But that's OK. Jumpsuits really aren't that offensive anymore considering how Arden B. has also been daring enough to bring back THE ROMPER




I'm pretty sure my mother had the exact same thing when she was in college.


Seriously, ladies. We're going to have to lay down another rule specific to 70's era, I'm the rejected fourth Charlie's Angel style clothing : if you wouldn't feel comfortable discoing down Beacon St. slathered head to toe in rainbow body glitter and cocaine, don't wear it. If you would...I'm willing to make a concession...IF, and only if, you video tape it and give me the youtube rights.