You ever notice how you go in there and try on some basic slacks, and you look in their magical mirror under their magical lighting and the pants look absolutely fabulous, and then you get home and look at them in your mirror like...a month later when you finally go to wear them and they don't look nearly as good as you remember?
How do they do that?
That said, I'll only wear GAP jeans. Not because I'm one of those fanatical GAP shoppers who will wear nothing else except slum it at Old Navy or spruce it up at Banana...or dare I say...get super duper adventerous and wander into a.... J. CREW!
No, no, no, no, no. My wardrobe is half Urban Outfitters, half American Apparel, and aaaaaaall of it chosen specifically to spite my mother. But GAP jeans fit me, they typically hold up for a long time, and they seem to be able to cope with my Kim Kardashian butt by doing something other than slumping and forming a coin slot in which to collect .25 cent donations towards purchasing some filler denim.
I do not believe in the "premium denim" mumbo jumbo. Frankly, with the exception of other purchasers of and believers in premium denim, is anybody going to notice what jeans you're wearing? I mean, I should only be so flattered that someone has taken that much interest in my ass but really...or should I say butt really?
I frankly just don't get the premium denim thing...except for an extra $150, how exactly is one pair more evening appropriate than the other? Is the denim woven more tightly? Are the pockets that much flatter? Slight variations in shade? Patent rights to International Klein Blue? No, no, no, no, no. I bang the hell out of my jeans. I'm not about to waste $200 a pop. $200 is better spent on art, wine, silver, or things that are illegal.
So for this purpose, and this purpose alone, I am a GAP shopper. Aside from that, I find the GAP mildly disturbing. Because evil really only disturbs me mildly. Allow me to explain.
a) their children's clothing is frequently more sophisticated than their adult clothing.
b) they manage to have about 27 MILLION different items of clothing and yet....EVERY SINGLE ONE IS IDENTICAL. It's like an experiment in conformity.
c) pricing? Everything in that store is priced to go on sale.
d) Because I have an unhealthy paranoia of WASPy soccer moms invading like zombies. Not that I have anything against WASPy soccer moms - some of my favorite people, truth be told are WASPy soccer moms. But ZOMBIE WASPy soccer moms? I WILL CUT YOU.
Let's analyze.
Oh, wait, what's that you say? STRIPES?! How incredibly innovative! And ... what's that it's paired up with? A...a....a STARK WHITE PEASANT TOP?!?! I ... am ... f-ing ... amazed.
Actually....
That outfit is pretty cute.
SEE?!?! That's what I'm talking about when I say evil. Why do I find this outfit cute? I don't know. Because it's the GAP and the GAP is made of magic. Or maybe it's the advertising methods:
"Our summer favorite: Lightweight denim plus chic stripes equals your new wardrobe staple. Get it now."
Maybe it's the fact that it's worded like a command, not a suggestion. Or maybe it's their incredibly effective use of a word that looks like it should be two words even though that is the correct grammatical useage (I checked). Or maybe there's something hypnotic about the color scheme.
Let's try another.
Blue and white. Why we love it. Blah di blah di blah....but they're so right it kills me. It makes me feel like sipping on a mimosa while lounging with Muffy and Billy out on the terrace lounge at their vacation home on the cape, enjoying the shade of my wide-brimmed straw hat and dangling my toes into the cool water of their luxury lap pool because I'm wearing clammdiggers.
Except I don't hang on the cape. I don't know people named Muffy and Billy. I live in Boston. I wear black and gray and occasionally horrible indie colors like mustard and chartreuse.
Why does the GAP love blue and white? "it's a classic color combo that always feels fresh" <-- said in snotty voice. Why do I love it? God only knows. But I want it.
Touche, GAP marketing team, touche.
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